


The Note

by Pigeonsplotinsecrecy



Series: Conversations [2]
Category: 9-1-1: Lone Star (TV 2020)
Genre: Depression, Discussion, M/M, Mental Illness, Suicidal Thoughts, suicide note
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-30
Updated: 2020-05-30
Packaged: 2021-03-03 05:15:51
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,137
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24459580
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pigeonsplotinsecrecy/pseuds/Pigeonsplotinsecrecy
Summary: Carlos finds a suicide note, and it terrifies him.
Relationships: Carlos Reyes/TK Strand
Series: Conversations [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1644988
Comments: 5
Kudos: 132





	The Note

Carlos wasn’t meaning to pry, but when he sees the slip of paper in the drawer next to T.K.’s bed, his eyes catch the words without meaning to, and he feels his heart sink. T.K. is in the other room, sitting on the couch and waiting for Carlos to come back, but now that Carlos has seen this note, he doesn’t know what he’s going to do, but he knows he’s going to have to confront T.K., so he forces himself to go to where T.K. is, the note still in his hand. He’s already rehearsing what he’s going to say, but each iteration of his speech doesn’t seem to get to the heart of what he wants to say.

T.K. is smiling, unaware of what’s about to happen. He catches the look on Carlos’ face and looks puzzled. “T.K. what is this?” Carlos holds out the note, and it feels heavy in his hand like a hot piece of iron. If he holds onto it much longer, he thinks it may burn him. Carlos watches as T.K.'s eyes grow wide as he realizes what Carlos is holding. T.K. goes rigid.

“Where did you get that?” T.K.’s voice is already defensive, and Carlos feels sick.

“It’s not what you think,” T.K. protests and he looks so upset that Carlos nearly drops the matter altogether, but he’s not in the practice of avoiding his problems, not like T.K. likes to do. Carlos has always liked to confront what’s bothering him so that he can get it off his chest.

“It’s a suicide note,” Carlos says, and his mouth is so dry that he can barely speak.

T.K. won’t meet Carlos’ eyes. “It’s not like that.”

Carlos can’t help the anger that creeps into his voice. It’s not fair to start yelling, but he’s terrified that T.K. isn’t going to take this seriously. “What is it like then?”

“Just leave it alone,” T.K.’s voice has gone from begging to angry, and Carlos wants to be able to just push this aside and act like everything is fine, but there’s no way that he can do that. He couldn’t forgive himself if something happened to T.K. and he didn’t do anything about it. He had to do his best to help, even if doing so would feel shitty.

“How the hell do you expect me to leave it alone when my boyfriend is planning on killing himself?”

“Don’t say that. I’m not going to kill myself.” It terrifies Carlos that that might not be the truth. He doesn’t know what to believe, but he sure as hell is going to make sure that they talk this through and T.K. gets whatever he needs to

“Then, what the fuck is this?” Carlos didn’t know what he was supposed to do about this. No one had ever given him on a course on how to be supportive of your boyfriend’s mental illness. He feels like he’s doing it wrong and only making things harder for T.K.

“It’s just a fantasy.” Carlos hates that T.K. thinks about it, mostly because it terrifies him. What if T.K. stops thinking about and takes action.

“A fantasy? A fantasy is supposed to be a good thing. And something that stays in your head.” Carlos shakes the piece of paper, and his hands are quivering. “You wrote it down. You said that you were sorry for being a fuck up and that in time we’d all see that we were better off without you”

“I wasn’t going to do anything.” T.K. is insistent, but that doesn’t ease the sickness in Carlos’ stomach.

“You were thinking about doing it.”

“Thinking isn’t a crime last time I checked.” It wasn’t a crime, but it made Carlos terrified for T.K.’s safety.

“No, but those thoughts are a good reason to make me worry.”

“You don’t have to worry. It was a stupid thing to do.”

“Why did you do it? You said some pretty fucked up things.”

“You don’t know what it’s like, Carlos. These are thoughts that I have to live with, and sometimes they’re fleeting, but sometimes, they stick around for a while longer, and writing that note was a way to indulge my urges without giving in to them.”

“You can talk to me.” Carlos didn’t want T.K. to think that he didn’t want to hear dark thoughts. Carlos wanted to be there for T.K. in whatever way he could.

“The things that bother me would hurt you. That’s why I wrote them in the note.”

“No one would be better off if you died,” Carlos reassured T.K., letting his hand run down T.K.’s arm. “We’d be so devastated if you were gone.”

T.K. kisses Carlos. “I know that.”

“It doesn’t hurt to say it, though. You’re loved, you’re not a fuckup, you’re not a freak.”

T.K. rolls his eyes. “I don’t need a self-love talk.”

“Maybe I need to say it,” and maybe Carlos just needs to know that he is doing everything he can to help T.K. so that he can sleep at night and not obsess over all the things he could have said but didn’t. “I love you.” They’ve never said it before even though both were clearly in love.

T.K. freezes for a second and Carlos wonders if he’s spoken about love too soon. Finally, T.K. smiles. “I love you too.” He says it softly, almost so soft that Carlos didn’t hear, but it’s a relief that he said it at all. “I didn’t mean to scare you,” T.K. says, looking guilty, and Carlos hated that he felt guilty for something that was so far out of his control.

“Worry is part of love,” Carlos decides. “It’s wanting the best for the person you love and being scared that they might not get the best. You worry about me too. When I’m doing dangerous things at work or I’m late getting home, so that’s just part of loving someone. It’s no one’s fault. It’s just love.”

“It’s just love,” T.K. repeats. “Worry is just love, and that note is just a worry. It’s not an action, Carlos. It’s just a thought I put out on paper because thoughts sometimes need a place to go.”

That doesn’t diminish Carlos’ worry, but he’s choosing to trust that what T.K. says is true. He’s still going to watch him closely, look for any signs that something might be wrong, but he wasn’t going to let his fears split them apart. He’s going to learn to live with that note, nagging at the back of his mind.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading. As always, I'll be at my tumblr Lonestarbabe!


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